How to Act vs. Feel Confident When Showing Up in Life

Shanell Lamere:

You're listening to What She Grows Through, a podcast dedicated to empower and uplift black women to grow their self worth. I'm your host, Shanell Lamere, one of many dope black women creating a community for us to pour into and align with one another, uncovering our true feelings from sexuality to self love, to begin growing through life and evolving into our best authentic selves. Let's get started.

Shanell Lamere:

What's up, beautiful? It's your girl, Shanell Lamere back again with the latest episode of the What She Grows Through podcast. It's the final episode of this confidence series that I've been sharing this month for Black Business Awareness Month, and I can't wait to share with you all. Just the gyms closing out the series. But for all that, I just want to take a moment to just hold some space for you to tune into yourself and your feelings. Like, how are you feeling in this moment?

Shanell Lamere:

What kind of thoughts are roaming around in your mind? Are they good? I hope so. If not, just know that what you choose to focus on is going to be what you focus on. So continue incorporating gratitude in your life, and I promise you, beautiful, life will get better. So the previous two episodes, I talked about the importance of building confidence, why we lack confidence in the first place in certain areas of our lives, as well as how we can begin using this confidence cycle to get good at doing anything.

Shanell Lamere:

If we apply the skills, of course, and a lot of people, including me, we tend to get stuck aspiring to be confident in areas that challenge us the most. That place where we get stuck when fear gets in the way of our dreams and ambitions. You know you're stuck if you believe in something like this. I can't achieve my goals or perform at my peak or my fullest potential. I can't do the things that I want to do or behave like the person that I want to be until I feel more confident.

Shanell Lamere:

Is this useless? Because when reading this, I felt I was personally being attacked because how did they know, like, this was me? And the wellness space has a lot of self help approaches that will encourage you to think this way. But you'll soon discover real quick that the more that you hold on tightly to these beliefs, the more that it will hold you back from creating a life that you want. And later, I'll talk more on why I found this.

Shanell Lamere:

But before anything, did you know that there's actually two definitions for the word confidence? And, you know, this girl over here likes to Google stuff, so when Googling this, it said that confidence is one, a feeling of certainty or assurance, but then confidence also is an act of trust or reliance. Now, the first definition a feeling of certainty or assurance is one of the most widely used around these parts.

Shanell Lamere:

And most people think of self confidence as this powerful feeling of certainty or insurance, a sense of being chill and calm or at ease. Like the absolute belief that you'll perform well and achieve a positive outcome without any fear or anxiety. You'll be free of all the self doubt or insecurity and altogether just won't have any negative thoughts about your mistakes or the fear of failure. Now the second definition is not used that much.

Shanell Lamere:

In this definition, confidence is not a feeling but an action and it's an act of trust or reliance. This is that back in the day definition when we trust or rely on someone, we don't get those feelings of absolute certainty or assurance. In fact, most of the time, if more is actually on the line, we tend to have feelings of fear and anxiety and thoughts about all the things that can go wrong. For an example, suppose you find a lump in your breast and it's cancer and you have to allow the process of either having it removed surgically or radiation.

Shanell Lamere:

And I don't know all the details on how that goes, but it's a big example. And I bring this up because my paternal grandmother, who my baby girl Ryan is named after, she went through this but it's an act of trust or reliance. She trusted or relied on the surgeon to do the operation competently. Personally, my grandma, they thought that they got it out but then it ended up coming back and it spread to her brain and it was kind of a rap from there.

Shanell Lamere:

But I remember those things. It's not likely, like under these circumstances that you would have feelings of absolute certainty or insurance. And of course it will be almost impossible for any human being in this situation to be completely calm and collected with no fear and anxiety whatsoever. And I remember all of what she went through, like the level of strength that this woman had is unmatched and I'll forever that's when my baby is named after her.

Shanell Lamere:

If you're a normal human facing these issues, you can expect to have a lot of fear and uncertainty and a lot of wild thoughts about the risk. Both meanings of confidence, a feeling of certainty and an act of trust, they're both perfectly factual but clearly they represent two very different perceptions and I think that we need to distinguish them from each other or we'll get confused. So throughout this episode just try to keep in mind the difference and keep it clear.

Shanell Lamere:

I'll talk about the feelings of confidence or confidence to feeling in comparison to the actions of confidence or confidence to action. There are many people, especially black women, who had to just suck shit up and walk with confidence even when we were scared shitless. But we can't always do this. It's kind of hard to always pretend to be brave embracing that fear though what you can control and how you walk and talk to those around you in hopes of inspiring others and yourself.

Shanell Lamere:

Of course, that's where that authenticity comes in, because I'm not always confident, and I'll say I'm like a good 25% most of the time. We got to continue to learn to rely on ourselves beautiful. And trust ourselves to take action, no matter how we may be feeling. This belief that I have to feel confident before I can achieve my goals, before I can do the things that I want to do or behave and show up as the woman that I want to be.

Shanell Lamere:

Imagine if Oprah did this, or Beyonce or Rihanna with her lingerie and her makeup lines. What if they gave into that idea that they had to be 100% confident first before starting anything? Would that have helped him? All those other self limits and beliefs. And this is the rule that I wanted to talk to you today about. In this confidence game of life, like, it's the number one rule. The action of confidence comes first and the feeling of confidence comes later.

Shanell Lamere:

Now, let's think about this. And I'm giving you so many gems packed with ideas and concepts to think and write about. So just pause for a second and just notice what your mind is doing or saying. Like, this is a skill of learning to be self aware, to be mindful of how we're feeling in the moment. So think about it beautiful. What is it trying to tell you? Is it predicting the worst? Or do you think I'm going to say, you got to fake it till you make it. Basically, if it's doing that, it's cool, it's normal and expected. And you'll see the human mind is wild and is naturally trying to predict the worst, like at all times.

Shanell Lamere:

And as I said before in the previous episode, we ain't faking that. We switched that around a long time ago. We're facing it till we make it. Okay? All right. So thinking about this old rule of I have to be or feel confident before doing so. And so if you're trying to wait until the feelings of confidence shows up before you start acting and doing the things that are important to you, you'll be stuck in that position forever.

Shanell Lamere:

And I don't want that for you. And they're not just going to appear. You have to do the work. Of course, we can grasp and cultivate them while we're listening to self help books or podcast or clubhouse rooms. Those feelings won't last, though, because once we get into those real life situations, where are they at? Then I know I'd be searching for them. This is key, though. If we want to do anything with confidence, if we want to speak well, if we want to draw or dance or make love, then we have to do the work.

Shanell Lamere:

We have to practice the necessary skills over and over until they just come naturally to us. And that's what I shared during the previous episode by using the confidence cycle. And I'll link all the episodes pertaining to the series in the show notes so they'll be there. But if we don't have those adequate skills to do the things we naturally want to do, we can't expect to feel confident. And if we don't continue to practice these skills, we gonna get rusty.

Shanell Lamere:

Like they'll never really reach a state where we can just rely on them to just flow through us. Each time you practice these skills in an action of confidence, an action of relying on yourself. And once we've acted over and over so that these skills can get deep into our minds, we'll get the results we want trust. Then we'll start getting those feelings that we want of confidence. So again, that first rule of the confidence game is the actions of confidence comes first and the feelings of confidence comes later.

Shanell Lamere:

And that was the mic dropper for me because of course, it's easier said than doing in real life. But developing and practicing these skills requires time and effort. And our minds are always giving us reasons not to do it. How many of you all thought, it's too hard, I'm too busy, I'm not in the mood, I'm not motivated, I'm too tired, I'm too stressed. I know I'm not the only one because I've literally used all these excuses.

Shanell Lamere:

But when we get caught up in these thoughts, it's super easy to give up. Especially if we feel we're making too many mistakes or not feeling good in the moment, or just feeling as though our progress isn't moving fast enough. These are normal feelings though you are not alone. We've all had these thoughts, but we're learning new ways to respond to them. That's why being a lifelong learner is the real flex.

Shanell Lamere:

We have to learn how to take all the power out of certain feelings that are not serving us. So no matter how negative the stuff our minds can think up because they be thinking up some shit, we can still take action to do what truly matters to us. That quote, though it means to me, no matter what your mind is constantly saying to you, you'll be able to still do and take action with the things that are most important to you with confidence.

Shanell Lamere:

And it may not feel so good in the moment, but having that woman that you want to be in your mind and having the courage to step out and put trust in yourself, knowing all of this, we got to continue pushing forward. We got to continue doing and showing up. That's the action with consistency. And in time those feelings will follow. That's when the feelings of confidence will appear. Practicing the mindfulness and being aware of ourselves and our choices, it will set us up even more with thinking and exploring ourselves on deeper levels on this journey towards wholeness.

Shanell Lamere:

Now, our goals and our values, they got to be in the front of our minds, continuing to grow and evolve. That's a strong value of mine and what I'm striving to grow with, what she grows through. So in a world where you had unlimited confidence, how would you behave differently? How would you walk and talk? How would you treat others? Or how would you treat yourself? How would you treat your body? How will your character change?

Shanell Lamere:

Like it's deep. How would you talk to yourself? Like, what goals would you be working on? What difference would your newfound confidence help you to make in this world? Beautiful. Take some time to reflect on these questions. I promise you it'll help you along your path and provide you with the clarity to put them in action. The answers to these questions will help uncover the values and goals of your ongoing journey.

Shanell Lamere:

You have to walk with confidence, with your values in mind to help guide you through while also accomplishing these goals. Because I recently got wind to thinking deeper into my values and goals and knowing the difference between the two, I want to just take some time to share with you so that you can begin getting clear on yours as well. So, values are desired qualities of ongoing action, meaning your values describe how you want to behave as a human being, how you want to act on an ongoing basis and show up and stand for in life the principles that you want to live by, the character traits and the strengths that you want to cultivate.

Shanell Lamere:

So an example of some common values, say in like relationships would be trust, openness, that's a big one of mine. Integrity, honesty, respect, being, loving, caring, supportive, these are all qualities that require action and y'all know we strive to do that over these parts. Like, these are the ways that you choose to behave throughout your life. Values can never be completed or checked off the list as done.

Shanell Lamere:

They're ongoing. And if you value being loving in your relationship, then there will never be a time where your value of loving will be done or completed because it's a marathon. Now, goals are desire outcomes. What you want to get, what you want to complete or achieve, they're not ongoing. The moment you achieve a goal is done, you can check it off. So you want to have a podcast, you make one. Boom, that's a goal. The moment you actually start it, boom.

Shanell Lamere:

Goal, achieve. But what about if you want to be authentic and show up by being open and transparent and caring of others, being fully engaged? Those are values, not goals. They're how you want to behave throughout your life. What's dope about it is you can live by these values even if you don't ever start a podcast or start a business or anything. If these values are genuinely important to you, you can choose to live by them in anything that you do, from being adult mommy to running a successful business, which I hope to be able to successfully accomplish, which is a goal through my values.

Shanell Lamere:

So do you want to know if I'm fact about me? You do? Okay. All right, cool. So in college, I wanted to find a way to stand out from other people. I was already short, but I needed a little, like, what could be my wow factor? Because the piercings didn't go so well, I tried to pierce my belly three times and it just wouldn't work out. So I decided to get a tattoo. My first was a little group of flowers with the word in that said, never a failure, always a lesson. Right on my hip.

Shanell Lamere:

In freshman year, I will rock those belly shirts, honey. Like, I thought I was the cutest. I'm going to have to share a picture with you. I think I'll put it in my story so you can see that'll be like our little insider. But I say all this because as I continued to discover who it is that I was and was becoming, I began to seek stronger meanings for my tattoos that will help guide me along my life journey.

Shanell Lamere:

And I look down at my arm and I have a compass that reads, beautiful, be beautiful. And I knew back then that I was on the right path. And my core, my self discovery and growth and development is my compass to continue being me. So values are that compass. They're used to give you direction on your journey. It won't give you the actual journey. Just the journey only starts when you take action. So acting on your values is like traveling a specific way, traveling west. No matter how far west you travel, there's always going to be more west to go. Like, you'll never actually reach a place called west.

Shanell Lamere:

You get it right? That's a good example. And in comparison, goals are like all those places that you want to travel to while you're traveling. Rest. Like this bridge, that river, that mountain, that tree, they all can be crossed off your list. As you grow through your journey, your values will be there whether or not you accomplish your goals. That's what I want to stress the importance of beautiful.

Shanell Lamere:

Of course, you may not always act on your values, but at any point, you get to choose whether or not you act on them. In the moments that matter, a few examples to bring in the difference between the two. To own a big house, that's a goal. To take care of your family, that's a value. To make friends, that's a goal. To be warm, friendly, genuine and supportive, that's a value. And a common one that people use is to win a race goal.

Shanell Lamere:

But to run to the best of your ability, that is a value. I hope you're starting to realize that values play an important role in developing confidence. They provide us with the inspiration and motivation to do what it takes to grow through our journeys, and they sustain us on that journey. We may have weeks or months or years away from completing our goals, but what we can enjoy is the process. We can enjoy every step of the way and find fulfillment by living from our values.

Shanell Lamere:

Now, the values for what she grows through I don't know if you're following me on social media, on Instagram and Facebook, but the values for what she grows through are authenticity, connection, mindfulness, freedom, spirituality, and self development, where all the sense of self is self growth, discovery, love, care. The list goes on. And a new one that I've been utilizing is courage. Like, was it the lion in The Wizard of Oz who needed more courage?

Shanell Lamere:

That's what I think about when I think of courage, I think of that lion. We talked about that in this club room, this clubhouse room. Not the lion, but courage. Having the courage to stand up and show up for yourself when all those self limiting beliefs appear. And I think I really want to have an episode on that topic. So let me know what you think, send me a message, a comment, DM, whatever, and let me know if you would like a more in depth way of how we can grow through life, through our values and goals so we reach the end of our confidence series.

Shanell Lamere:

For now, I'll definitely have more topics around this because I can go on and on, and it actually brings me a lot of joy to discuss. So, wrapping everything up, I ask for you to consider what you would do if you had more confidence. I talked about how we can identify the main lows of our self confidence, why we lack self confidence, excessive expectations, harsh self judgment, preoccupation with fear, lack of experience, lack of skill.

Shanell Lamere:

I also shared with you the confidence cycle in how to get good at doing anything, and that was practicing the skill, applying those skills effectively, assessing the results, and modifying as needed. And in this episode was all about the number one rule to this confidence game. The actions of confidence comes first, and the feeling of confidence comes later. Now, confidence isn't the end of the journey, it's actually the start of it.

Shanell Lamere:

You want it in order to achieve something beyond yourself. Really. Imagine if you had all the confidence that you can wish and hope for, but nothing in your life changed. You feel hella confident, but you continue to act in the exact same way as before in every aspect of your life. There are no changes in your relationships, your work, your health, your social life. You continue to just go through the same old daily routines day in and day out.

Shanell Lamere:

You walk and talk the same way as before. You don't start any new projects. You don't pursue any new goals. Your character doesn't change. You don't treat yourself or others any different. You just behave in the same ways as you did before. The only thing different is you now just feel confident. You feel me. You feel the point that I'm trying to make. Would you be satisfied with that outcome? Would you feel full and whole?

Shanell Lamere:

I don't think so. We don't want confidence just for the sake of it. We want it for a purpose. And that's a quote from Russ Harris. We wanted to help us achieve our goals, to follow our dreams, or just show up more in areas of our lives like entrepreneurship, or being a present mommy, socializing, or sharing my thoughts with beautiful, like minded women like you. That's why I asked you that question in the beginning.

Shanell Lamere:

If you had all the confidence in the world, how would you behave differently? What kind of woman would you be? And what are some of those things that that woman would do? And I strongly encourage you to journal your answers to these questions. Beautiful. In a world where you have complete confidence, how would you behave differently? Who would you be? How would you treat others? How would you treat yourself?

Shanell Lamere:

Your mind? Your body? What would you start or stop doing? What would your goals be? What difference would you make in this world? And feel free to message me or email me. I think I'm going to go through all of your shares in a later episode because I really would like to hold that space for you to share. So I hope you enjoyed all the gems and took what you needed. Leave whatever that you don't. And if you did enjoy, please rate and review the show over on Apple podcast, Five Stars, and it definitely helps other like minded women to find our show.

Shanell Lamere:

And definitely head over to Instagram and Facebook and give me a follow. Let's connect. Let's continue to grow together, and I look forward to speaking with you again. Until then.